When Your Kid Argues about Everything {5 tips}

I just read this great article by blogger Monica. Wow, I wish I had read these excellent suggestions when my strong-willed son was younger! She wrote in part:

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I’ll be the first to admit:  I find something likable about a kid that has an opinion.  I appreciate  a kid who knows what they want…or don’t want…and knows how to stand up for what they think is right.

Maybe this has a little to do with the fact that I was one of those kids growing up.

And it is true:  There are plenty of positives about a strong-willed kid.  Children prone to opinions and arguing often grow up to be great leaders.  They are likely to stand strong  in their convictions, and might have an easier time resisting peer pressure.  They often grow up to be successful in the things they pursue.

But if you have a kid that is prone to arguing in your own family...the cute and admirable elements can quickly fade away, only to be replaced by pulling your hair out in frustration. 

I would know.

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Here are her suggestions:

 

1.  Keep Perspective.

Remind yourself that the same quality that causes your child to argue too much will likely make them strong adults and good leaders.  (note:  You may not want to let them in on this secret right away.  Such disclosure often does not work to your advantage.)

2.  Sit down and chat about things.

Let your son or daughter know that arguing with their parents is a habit that really needs to end.  Tell them that even if they believe that they are one hundred percent right, the issue is one of respect.  You are their parents and they need to listen and submit to the things you say.  This applies whether they are seven or seventeen.  There is a place for discussion (see #3) but the general rule needs to be submission and respect.  This rule alone can remove a lot of debating, AND second guessing yourself.

3.  Make an Appeal rule.  

Offer your kid the chance to “appeal” after a certain amount of time.  Offering an appeal will help remedy the “habitual” side of arguing, and will make it easier for your kid to bite their tongue when they are just dying to challenge you.  Kids need to feel heard, and their opinions should matter.  Give them a chance to think through things, and then when everyone is in a good state of mind, sit down and hear them out.  I suggest choosing  a standard amount of time between argument and appeal, and stick with it the best you can.  Kids will feel most affirmed and secure if they know that there is a fair system in play.
**Note:  I use this for big decisions, but not for daily things like chores and doing homework.  (Oh but believe-you-me, they still try. :) )

4.  Establish set consequences for arguing.

If arguing has been happening for any length of time, it most likely won’t be going away easily.  It is most wise to expect it, and be ready when the moment happens.  It is easiest to come up with one or two specific consequences that your child knows will be waiting if and when they decide to challenge you unnecessarily.  Perhaps one warning/reminder is reasonable.  THEN:  Doll out consequences with a  smile and strong back bone.  Losing a video game privilege or assigning an extra chore might be a good start.  The key:  Call them on it.  Every.  Single.  Time…Nip it in the bud and let the consequences be painful enough that the thrill of the argument suddenly isn’t so thrilling.   (PS.  I did a short VLOG last summer about having consequences in place to help decrease anger in parenting.  You might find that helpful. )

5.  Reward obedience.

Take note of the postives!  Make sure to notice it when your child does obey quickly.  Simply telling them how much it helps you and what a blessing it is to have them cooperating will encourage them to keep it up.  When they experience the peace and unity that obedience will bring, they might just want to begin a new habit.  (or so we can hope!)

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reblogged from: http://monicaswanson.com/

 

Love vs Authority Balance

Despite the conclusion one might reach after reading the latest issue of any popular parenting magazine, the job of parent is actually quite simple; so simple that I can describe the entire ball of wax in less than 15 column inches.

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First, a parent’s responsibilities—beyond providing the basic necessities of life—are to provide unconditional love and unequivocal leadership. The “trick,” if you will, is to keep those provisions in a state of balance. Too much of either is toxic. Love without an equal measure of authority expresses itself in the form of numerous enabling behaviors. Likewise, authority without an equal measure of love quickly turns into abuse of one sort or another.
Second, there are but five fundamental understandings that a parent needs to convey, lovingly and authoritatively, to a child:

1. You are to pay more attention to me than I pay to you. (Three Bits of Helpful information: First, all discipline problems are due to children paying insufficient attention to adult authority figures. Second, the more attention you pay a child, the less the child will pay to you. Third, you obtain a child’s attention by simply acting like you know what you are doing.)

2. I am in charge here; therefore, I tell you what to do. (Helpful information: When giving an instruction to a child, always use the fewest words possible and do not explain why you are giving the instruction. Explanations sound persuasive and provoke push-back.)

3. You do what I tell you to do. (Helpful information: Parents who want child to obey for their own benefit don’t get it. Obedience is in the best interest of a child. The research finds what common sense affirms; that is, obedient children are also happy children. You get a child to obey by acting like you know what you are doing.)

4. You do what I tell you to do simply because I tell you to do it. (Helpful information: If you do not accompany an instruction with an explanation, then your child is forced to ask for one. That gives you the Golden Opportunity to respond with the most powerful four words in a parent’s vocabulary: “Because I said so.”)

5. At any given time, I do not care what you think of me or any decision I make. (Helpful information: Parenting is not a popularity contest. When you want your child to like you, you end up doing things that negate your ability to provide leadership, which means you end up enabling.)

6. You can always count on me to provide for and protect you under any and all circumstances. (Helpful information: If your child is secure in that understanding, then the world is a safe place and, therefore, eventually becomes the child’s “oyster.”)
I ask you: Could that be any simpler?

Copyright 2014 John K. Rosemond  ||  Reblogged from John Rosemond’s most recent column

Loving Tough, Children

LOVE TOUGH

By Jon Gordon

 

I believe in tough love.

If you are a leader, manager, coach, teacher or parent, caring about someone often requires you to challenge and push them to improve, grow and reach their full potential.

Even the best athletes in the world have a coach to push them.

But for tough love to work, love must come first.

We must love tough to bring out the best in those we lead!

If people know you care about them they will be more receptive to you pushing them.

On the other hand if you put tough before love you’re more likely to face resistance.

As Andy Stanley says, “Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.”

The old dictator tough, without love, style of leadership no longer works.

Having spent time with a number of professional and college sports teams it’s clear that even athletes who seem to have it all want to know that their coach cares about them. The best coaches love their players and their players know it and play harder and are more loyal to that coach.

The same is true for education and business.

Research shows that test scores go up when students have a relationship with their teacher.

Numerous engagement surveys show that people are more engaged at work when they know their manager / boss cares about them.

So keep pushing your people to be their best. If you are parent like me, keep pushing your kids to reach their full potential.

Your team needs your toughness to grow!

But remember to put love first.

Make relationships a priority.

Your love will create the right conditions for growth to happen!

Love + Tough = Growth

Do you agree with love tough?